Has being laid off and stuck at home for the past month broken me? I suppose that all depends on my definition of broken. My definition is the sense of feeling lost and not being able to decide what I want or should being doing even thought I have an abundance of time and can do whatever I want.(In my house that is.)
Being without a job is nothing new to me. In the past I have quit jobs and couldn’t figure out what I wanted to do with my life. I was depressed and anxious. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life or even with the 24 hours of the day. I was my own definition of broken. This time around, being unemployed is a little different. This time it is of no fault of my own. Unfortunately for most other people they seem to be in the same boat.
To answer the question did this pandemic break me? My answer is twofold, because 2 weeks ago my answer would have been a resounding yes. I was lost, I stopped being productive at all, and I wasn’t even getting myself into my hobbies. I had all this time in the world, but chose to do literally nothing. When you spend a lot of time alone with your thoughts you realize there is a separate person in your brain (maybe it’s just me). Negative Neddy, as I like to call him. He stopped by to hang out for a little while and tell me how much of a piece of shit I am. (were not very good friends.) Which leaded me down a slippery slope that could only end in depression.
Thankfully though there is a second part to my answer (Which leads Neddy to an ass whoopin’). That answer is hell no it didn’t break me! After being lost for 2 weeks I remembered I had a map. (That’s right, Cartographer Myles is what they called me in preschool!) I had been in almost the exact same situation before many times before but worse.
So, I followed my map back to the promise lands, which was a 36 hour trip that included 24 hours of all the self hatred I could handle followed by 12 hours of cleaning (not even close, but drama baby!) That act of cleaning helped me think of something other than my undesirable situation and helped scrub my thoughts and show me the un-majestic path I was following.
Within a day or two I was back writing, reading , working out and walking my dog. Keeping my self active and busy helps with excuses when Negative Neddy tries to come over for a drink. It also helps me stay moderately sane (too sane and your writing sounds like a textbook).
There it is, I was once broken and now I am whole, once lost but now found……..Sorry cliche I know, buuuutttt I am winning now and I hope you are too! Stay safe and thanks for reading!